Relationships : Am I doing the right thing?
I’ve said this once, and I’m going to say it again. I want to be selfish, but I just can’t. My ex and I broke up recently. I miss her dearly, I love her dearly, and I care for her dearly. I just know in my heart that this isn’t going to work out. There’s so many things that bother me. About us, and about me.
There’s a lot of moments where I feel like I don’t deserve her. Our futures doesn’t seem to work. I see her hard working, and I should feed off this. In the end I find myself lazy and unmotivated. This is just one of an example if what that bothers me, about me in this relationship. I knew she see it, I can tell in her voice when she talks to me and when she sees my slack off. When we were breaking up, I didn’t want to do the whole “It’s not you, its me.” because I didn’t want to make it sound like I’m letting her down soft or just pulling the easy way out. It’s true though, I’m going to be dragging her down in the long run. She’ll see it eventually. She’s older than me, she’s ready for the future. She’s ready to settle and be independent. I’m not. I still live with my parents, I still rely on them; and I enjoy it. She’s lived her fair share of fun, college experience etc. I haven’t. I’m barely getting the hang of college, (which is late. If you’re reading this and you’re new to college/or in high school, learn from this. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER) I don’t know what I want in my life. I’m fucking up my life right now, and I know it. It’s not fair for me or her. One of those things is that it randomly became a long distant relationship. It hurts me a lot, and I think she realize how much. I’m needy I guess I would say, and this doesn’t exactly help that case. She asked me to move with her, and she said that she’d take care of me and until I’m back on me feet. When she said that, I guess that’s when all this hit me. As immature as I am, I’m still a man (in my eyes). I’m not going to let someone take care of me, it should be the other way around.
Back to the point. Just because I love her and miss her, doesn’t mean I should be with her. I can’t be selfish in a sense that, I should keep her because I don’t want to be alone and I’m going to miss her. I should only be with someone, because I know for a fact I SHOULD be. I should do my best to ignore it, because why should I be selfish and keep wasting her time and being with her only because I don’t want to feel the pain. Why should I keep her, only because I don’t want to lose her to someone else. I know it’s not right, and it’s not in me to be selfish. This is one of the lessons I’ve learned from my previous. I’ve held onto her only because I didn’t want anyone else to have her. I want to be with her so bad, I want to hold her hand, I want to feel her kisses, but I don’t think I’m the one that should be doing that at this time. My whole heart isn’t in it. Well at this time at least. I wish, I WISH, I WISH, I could have met her maybe in a couple months later in my life or maybe in a year. When I’m ready for a real relationship. Cause god knows, I’ve had a crush on this girl for over a year now. (for the people that knows me very well, I’m not saying I want to be single and want to be with so many other girls, what I mean is to be emotionally ready and prepared finically and mentally.) I felt like I haven’t been able to feel emotionally unattached to someone. It took me awhile to get over my ex before her. My first everything.
With in 2 months, she came into my life. I was happy, I really was. The happiest I’ve been in two years. She’s done things for me that my ex before her never had. I felt like I was treated right and all. All I could think about is that, I’m an idiot for being stuck on my ex for so long. This is what I deserve to be treated. But from the beginning I knew I wasn’t ready. I’ve told a couple of friends that, and they can vouch for me. But I pushed forward under some advice. (this is why it took me so long to ask her out to officially be my girlfriend) I knew I didn’t want to miss this opportunity . She’s my crush, she’s always had a boyfriend, and this is my window!! I think I’ve made a mistake being with her at this moment, because she told me when we were breaking up that she’s never talking to me again. I asked her, if I ever wanted to work it out with her in the future would I have that chance; she said no. I guess I wasn’t prepared for that when I jumped into this.
If you read this. I hope I have a chance with you again in the future. I hope you understand that I want you to be happy, cause I know that’s all I ever wanted. I want you back so bad, I do, but I can’t. I hope that we can still be friends because that’s what we’ve become. We’ve became best friends, at least you became mine. You know everything about me, and it’s going to suck losing someone I can always run to. You’re always my ride or die. I wish that you’d still be apart of my life, talk to me here and there and even chill. I know that’s a lot to ask, so I’m not expecting it. I know it feels like I’m giving up on you, because of your situation. I’m not, that’s not what it’s all about. I want to work on myself. The time that we’ve had apart since you moved, you see how it has changed me. You see how I’ve been working hard. I need to understand that I have to get my shit together, and not put our relationship first on top of everything. This what I wanted to tell you, I just couldn’t correctly put it into words. It happened at such a bad time, I couldn’t gather my thoughts. I knew you were angry with me, and I was stupid to be angry back at you and was going off on you; those weren’t the things I really wanted to say. I know I was going off about our petty problems, and yes every relationship is true. I was just stupid to let you think that it was the real reason why I wanted to let it go.
I love you, my princess.
Dam…I’m going to get so fucked up during Spring Break
I expect to come back a different person.